17 seriously rubbish parts of having doggy style sex

Let’s be clear: doggy style sex is glorious.
It’s hot, it feels good,
and it doesn’t require
any fancy gadgetry or
the ability to put your
legs behind your ears.


But as brilliant as it
is, doggy style has its
rubbish parts, too.
Not rubbish enough
to put us off entirely. But rubbish enough
to occasionally be complained about,
because if there’s one thing we love more
than having great sex, it’s complaining.
So. Here are just a few parts of doggy
style that are bloody awful.
1. Feeling your breasts swinging
freely in the breeze
It feels weird and I’m concerned that it’s
giving me breast-area stretchmarks.
2. And realising that they’re
hanging down rather than being
pushed up
Which isn’t the most flattering position.
Plus it makes you feel like you’ve got
udders.
3. It’s never clear whether you’re
supposed to look down or look
forward
Or look… around? Back?
4. And you’ll get neck strain either
way
There are few things that make you feel
more weak and aged than skipping doggy
style so your neck doesn’t get stiff.
5. There’s very little visual
stimulation
Look at the bed. Look at the wall. That’s it,
sorry.
6. Sore knees
It doesn’t matter if you’re on a high quality
mattress, your knees will still begin to
creak.
7. And even sorer wrists
Until you flop down into a half doggy half
lying down style.
8. You can end up feeling pretty
passive
Staying on all fours, perfectly still, as
someone goes at it from behind? You don’t
feel quite as sexy and in control as when
you’re on top.
9. But if you try pushing back to
show your enthusiasm, you’ll
knock off your rhythm
10. It’s one of those positions that
makes the bed creak non-stop
Which is fine. Unless you’ve got
housemates, in which case you’ll find
yourself trying to go really slowly and
gently to stop the loud, obvious bed
noises.
Which defeats the purpose and joy of
doggy style, let’s be real.
11. The occasional realisation that
you don’t know what you look like
from behind
Do you have a weird shaped head? Do you
have a giant patch of back hair you never
noticed before? Bacne? Weird head shape?
Who knows. But you’ll obsess over these
questions for the next five minutes.
12. The lack of clit contact
Unless you’re blessed with someone who
understands that the reach-around is a
very, very good idea, of course.
13. And the lack of any other
sexual stimulation
Not that kissing is essential throughout all
sex stuff, but it’s nice to have the option.
14. When they go too deep and
your cervix gets a bump
The horror. Oh, the pain.
15. And when they get too pump-y
and you unleash multiple vagina
farts
It’s natural, normal, and inevitable.
But I’d still rather not.
16. It’s a bit disconcerting to be
having sex with someone and not
be able to see their face
What if they’re making a really weird
expression? Dear lord, what if they stick
their tongue out when they’re enjoying
things?
17. And, of course, there’s the
constant worry that they can see
directly down your butthole

A serious concern.